If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
