I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
