Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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