non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
