this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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