Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
