i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
