I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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