remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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