My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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