my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they're like a gay fantastic four
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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