Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
