That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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