I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At least life still wants to fuck me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
