if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
