he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
