I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The feeling are messing with the penis
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
