I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
