My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
