i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
