low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
