so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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