He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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