You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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