Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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