Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
