um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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