her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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