i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
