Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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