My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Everyone says I win the strip club
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
