Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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