i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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