I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We are all done wearing pants today
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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