I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
