The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sobbing to NWA
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
