help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
