it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
