I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
