Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
