Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
