You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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