I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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