...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
