I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
