My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
