I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
