I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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