Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
