break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
